When, not if, your Teens & Tweens say, “You Don’t Trust Me!”
This is part of QuaranTeens + Tweens, a series of conversations with experts and curated resources on youth cyber safety and mental wellness.
Always been a big believer in letting your teen and tween learn from their own mistakes, of the value of natural consequences? Skinned knees and B minuses and all that jazz? The stakes are much higher when it comes to mistakes made online – the consequences are potentially much more serious. You wouldn’t leave YOUR 12-year-olds alone for a weekend, so you certainly should not turn them loose on the Internet.
Some parents are afraid to hurt their relationship with their teetering teen and afraid to hurt their self-esteem, so their response to this statement is an explanation of how they DO trust them. This is a mistake. Teens do not say this because they believe it, they say this, because it’s the easiest way for them to turn the tables and get you on the defensive.
Even if you have an adolescent who is well-rounded, works hard in school and has a great peer group, they can still make foolish and often costly choices. This is where an engaged and informed parent is so important.
Five Responses to “Why Don’t You Trust Me”
I’m doing this because I love you.
I’m doing this because you don’t yet have the developmental capacity to exercise consistent good judgement over your actions.
I’m doing this because the way you use Instagram (and other social media) can be tied to other high-risk behaviors.
I’m doing this because giving you unrestricted access to these powerful communication technologies would be like handing a 13-year-old boy the keys to a Bugatti..
I’m doing this because if you know I am watching, you may be more careful and less likely to post the wrong things.
Trust your gut.
In the last post, we talked about using a monitoring tool, like Bark. If you feel something is wrong, check their Bark dashboard on your phone or device for any Bark alerts, check their phone if you don’t have Bark, make sure you have the password to their social media accounts, etc. Do not let them tell you that it is their privacy you are infringing on. Remember, they are minors, they have no privacy.
It is okay to respond with “I’m sorry but no, I don’t trust you.”
Sure your teenager may be mad at you for awhile, but rest assured, they will get over it. Part of parenting is dealing with the negative behaviors and the venom most kids and teens dish out to their parents when they don’t get their way. Generally, unless there are other more severe relationship problems, kids and teens get over feeling upset quickly and return to being loving. Remember, your job is to protect your teens and tweens, not tell them what you think they want to hear.
*There are affiliate links throughout this post because we’ve tested and trust a small list of parental control solutions. Our work saves you time! If you decide that you agree with us, then we may earn a donation to our organization, which does nothing to your price. Enjoy!
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Please share any questions, feedback, or topics that interest you by emailing us here.
About Gabriel's Light
In 2019, Carol and Brendan Deely founded Gabriel’s Light in honor of their son who died by suicide at age 12. In honor of Gabe and all those lost to suicide, they share their journey with the hope that others may learn and grow from their tragedy. Focusing on three pillars of cyber safety, suicide prevention, and kindness campaigns, through outreach, programs, partnerships, and funding, they raise awareness and inspire youth, parents, and educators to take action and help forward their mission.
Understand cyberbullying.
According to Common Sense Media, “Cyberbullying is the use of digital-communication tools (such as the Internet and cell phones) to make another person feel angry, sad, or scared, usually again and again.” If these behaviors are intentional and recurring, you may have a case of cyberbullying on your hands.
Look for the warning signs.
If your child is evasive about their online activities, often hiding their screen from you, or otherwise acts out of the ordinary in regards to their devices, it’s possible they could be involved in cyberbullying or other unsafe activities. If you notice warning signs, it may be time to step up your monitoring of their online behavior. Barks helps with this.
Be a good role model.
Kids imitate those around them—use this to your advantage! Just as parents can for their kids in the real world, they can do the same online. Constantly reinforce concepts of empathy, resilience, and self-esteem in your own actions, both on- and offline. Keep your own posts uplifting and positive when you can, rather than posting mean-spirited or inflammatory content. Avoid bickering in comments on social media, or criticizing others. These behaviors may eventually be reflected in your own child’s online presence.
Bark is a parental control phone monitoring app to help keep kids safer online. Bark monitors social media, text, and email on Android and iOS devices. We highly recommend their services to help keep your kids safe online.
In summary, review Bark.us, start the conversation with your teens & tweens and just do your best. Your children will see you trying and that’s what’s important. There will always be grey areas in life. Boundaries and structures are important, but building safe and healthy relationships is more so. Questions? info@gabrielslight.org
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Please share any feedback or topics that interest you by emailing us here.
About Gabriel's Light
In 2019, Carol and Brendan Deely founded Gabriel’s Light in honor of their son who died by suicide at age 12. In honor of Gabe and all those lost to suicide, they share their journey with the hope that others may learn and grow from their tragedy. Focusing on three pillars of cyber safety, suicide prevention, and kindness campaigns, through outreach, programs, partnerships, and funding, they raise awareness and inspire youth, parents, and educators to take action and help forward their mission.
